We are very grateful to the mother who contacted us recently and agreed to write this account of parenting her trans-identified teenage daughter over a long period of time. She has to remain anonymous but wanted to tell her story in the hope it may be useful for other parents in a similar position.
An account of parenting a trans-identified child
My eldest daughter announced at the age of 13 that she was “trans” and “male”. She persisted with that identity until just before she was 18, when she decided she had made a mistake. She now considers herself female. I do not think my daughter’s experience is unusual, yet stories like hers are rarely heard. My daughter is typical in not wanting her personal information disclosed for fear of attracting criticism or even accusations of transphobia. I hope this description of our experience will be helpful to other parents, policymakers, those working in education, and anyone who is reflecting on how best to support gender-questioning children and young people.
My daughter’s early childhood and primary school years were unremarkable but the transfer to secondary school was difficult, and she quickly spiralled into social isolation, depression, anxiety and self-harm. We got excellent support from her school, who helped us access the CAMHS system, where an ASD diagnosis was made when my daughter was in Year 8. My daughter’s trans announcement came soon after this, following a new friendship with another girl who had come out as trans (a third girl in their social circle promptly followed suit).
My partner and I believed our daughter’s trans-identification was most likely a symptom of her deep unhappiness and social difficulties, and we were determined to give her the support and space to grow up without making irrevocable decisions she might subsequently regret. Although her school and CAMHS counsellor were supportive, there was an immediate assumption that we would agree to her social transition by using a new male name and pronouns (her head of year cheerfully informed me that lots of their pupils were doing this). We resisted this approach because we felt that an unquestioning affirmation of her newly claimed male gender risked pre-empting the outcome of any psychotherapeutic assessment as to why she might be feeling this way. The prospect of medical interventions upped the stakes on what could otherwise have been a benign exploration of personal identity.
Within CAMHS, as soon as gender was mentioned, we were offered a referral to the NHS GIDS (Gender Identity Development) clinic. Indeed, the focus suddenly seemed to shift exclusively to gender, as if this was the sole cause of my daughter’s previous problems rather than potentially a by-product of her ASD and other mental health issues. After a troubling phone conversation with a senior clinician at GIDS, which failed to alleviate these concerns, we made the difficult decision to decline the referral, even though this effectively left us with no support within the CAMHS system.
In the years that followed, my daughter attended a youth group at Gendered Intelligence – this was suggested by our CAMHS counsellor, who did not mention that GI is a lobby group with a very specific stance on youth gender dysphoria. She became increasingly fixated with her trans identity, changing her legal name at age 16 with the assistance of someone at GI (who also made a second referral to GIDS on her behalf without our knowledge).
As she matured and began to find her feet socially, we noticed her obsession with her male identity was waning and shortly before she turned 18, she told me that she no longer considered herself transgender.
In the year and a half since then, we have had several discussions about what led her to believe she was trans. She acknowledges the part played by her autism and says “trans” seemed like the obvious explanation for her social isolation and unhappiness about her body. The GI youth group offered her a social network with other struggling teens. The physical changes of adolescence were particularly challenging for her, and she was horrified by the sexual attention teenage girls are suddenly exposed to (from catcalling to comments about her appearance). The breast binders she wore for years were finally discarded when she rejected her trans identity. She now describes herself as lesbian and thinks that unease about her same-sex attraction was another factor in her gender confusion. Finally, she admits there was an element of social influence at play, both from her peers and online. Interestingly, she also says that subsequently discovering online accounts from detransitioners helped crystallise the doubts she was already having about her trans status.
For much of the time during the period when my daughter believed herself to be trans, we simply avoided the topic of gender. But occasionally I would ask her questions, such as how anyone could ever know what it would be to “feel like a man or woman”. We discussed the gender stereotypes that underpin the DSM-5 diagnostic criteria for gender dysphoria in children and talked about the risk of pathologizing gender non-conformity. She agreed with me that a trans person’s sex does not change even if they medically transition, and I encouraged her to think about the contexts where sex might arguably still be relevant (on medical records, in sport, in single-sex spaces designed to protect women?). She was always open to these ideas, although she did comment “at GI youth group they make it seem so simple and then you ask me all these difficult questions and I can’t explain it anymore”.
We will never know if accepting our initial referral to GIDS might have changed the outcome for our daughter. The second referral made by GI came through shortly after she had rejected her trans identity. Perhaps the GIDS clinicians would have correctly determined that her trans status was not permanent. One of the things that was emphasised during my phone consultation with GIDS was the importance of “listening to the child”. This is admirable, however, as my daughter reflected when she announced her change of heart, “I was so sure. And I was so wrong”.
I wish there had been more holistic support available for her within CAMHS that did not focus exclusively on gender to the detriment of her other mental health issues. In the absence of such support, I believe that taking her out of the CAMHS system and asking loving but probing questions helped carve a space for her to make the right decisions and to flourish into the well-balanced young woman she has become. Not all children have been so lucky.
Thank you so much for sharing this testimony. I hope families in similar situations get to read it & take heart.
This story could be mine, except we aren’t out the other side yet.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m sure it will help other parents and maybe other young people caught up in this. I am also the parent of a desisted teen, now 18 but who was adamant she was make from age 12 to 14. She also is socially awkward and suffers from anxiety and depression. We did attend GIDS, I naively thought they would assess whether she was transgender or thus was symptomatic of other mental health issues. I was wrong, they just followed a process of affirming the young persons belief without any exploration at all. We all used the male name she wanted but I caught them using make pronouns when she had clearly said she wasnt bothered about changing pronouns. I made it clear to my daughter and the GIDS team that while I accepted this was how she felt right now and respected this, that I did not believe she was male. GIDS were quite clearly not prepared for thus and it was all a waste of time. My daughter hated going. In contrast CAMHS were great. They focused on her anxiety and with regards to gender, acknowledged the new name and talked about remaining at thus stage unless or until she became uncomfortable with it. Like yourself, I periodically discussed things with her such as accounts from detransitioners and was supportive of her beliefs while encouraging her to be open minded. Admitting she was wring was hard for her, coming out as trans was such a big thing for her so it was rather gradual. She struggles to talk about it now saying it is in the past but i know she worries about how females are portrayed in the media and about violence towards women. Im sure this, along with her social awkwardness and were the main factors in her wanting to join what I view as this cult. I feel we gave been incredibly lucky that she realised the truth before any real damage was done yet I remain angry and frustrated that there is still a lack of acknowledgement of detransitioners among medical professionals, politicians and in the media.
Well done, well done, a thousand times over. It must have been difficult to withstand the professionals who would have led your daughter, gently by the hand, into irreversible harm. I am so glad you persevered and she came through safely.
Thank you for your clear, considered account of your experience. I am walking a similar path which doesn’t include autism but echoes many of your daughter’s experiences of social isolation and feeling “othered”. It must be amazing at 15 to find that being seen as different was wrong or unacceptable and suddenly being different is wonderful and you are welcomed to travel further down this path while being celebrated. I wish you well and I hope one day that my daughter will begin to tune into the doubts being expressed around us.
I am going through the same mt two daughters one 15 is dating a girl on the phone only. And my 14 year old daughter believes she is not a girl.other than talking to her about it and being positive in front of her but as soon as I close my door all I can do is cry. I have no problem with them falling in love of a girl but thinking you are a boy. I believe is the same the pressure the physical unhappiness and social problems. For a child that has never being sexual why would they feel like a boy. Is not like we stereotype the roles of a woman or a man. I just feel like a fail God and them.
My daughter is also dating another girl. Talk to your daughters more, and don’t allow them to use too much of their phones. I think this is a huge problem for young girls nowadays. I even homeschooled my daughter, and despite that, she still identifies herself as trans. It’s all over the internet how she was brainwashed. I always believe in God’s amazing grace, so be strong for your girls. I hope the new administration and healthcare providers will help parents struggling with this problem.
This is my EXACT experience right now. My 13 yo daughter is identifying as a boy, for about 8 months now. She threatened self harm. She was hospitalized for psych eval for 5 days. They diagnosed her with “major Depressive Disorder ” (after a 10 minute consult) and put her on anti depression meds. She has a therapist, and her pediatrician is involved also. What is disturbing to me is that EVERYONE in the medical field IMMEDIATELY started using “he/him” pronouns…and her school was totally on board about using men’s restroom etc, and I was like EVERYONE STOP! She is 13 years old! She is swimming in a rich hormone soup, middle school sucks, all her friends are hopping on board and changing their pronouns too, but seriously, can we slow down a bit? Can we talk about her actual mental health first? When’s everyone considering this a done deal? My daughter HERSELF even admits she could change her mind down the road, but I’m having a hard time with everyone (medical, educators, etc) just simply being “OK, he is a boy now” . Our pediatrician referred us to a psychologist that “specializes” in the LGBTQ and trans community, and after I spoke to this person, it was clear they themselves were Trans, and I worried there would be too much affirmation and encouragement to be Trans and not enough actual evaluation and I didn’t take my daughter to them. So now we, too, are just plugging along, not really discussing actual gender on a daily basis, and ky daughter is still LEGALLY a girl, at school etc, but she dresses like a boy and cut her hair like a boy and all her friends call her “he/him” and strangers on the street refer to her as “him” and that makes her happy, so this is our life. The biggest change is that my daughter is on the competitive dance team and has refused to wear the dresses as partn of their costumes, and the coach and I have agreed to let her wear a more masculine costume for performances. She doesn’t wear make up, which is fine, but my daughter has actually said to me that “I don’t mind looking like a girl for competition” when we have to figure out hair styles for competitions. Anyway, I’m struggling to find support for her that isn’t going to try and concrete her Trans ideas, but also isn’t going to try and sway her in ANY direction, just work on her mental health. I believe in my heart that this is a SYMPTOM of her mental health struggles. The local LGBTQ community center has meetings, but I worry about what she will hear/see/be told/encouraged to do, so I hesitate to do that. As far as our family, we have all agreed to support her in her exploration, and love her no matter what, but we have all agreed ( my daughter is 100% on board with this) that NO hormones, NO surgery, NO permanent anything will be even considered until she is at least 18, and that we are not having her “gender” changed within the school system. At this point we are just riding it out.
I would very much appreciate any guidance or resources anyone may have. Thank you
It sounds like you are doing the very best a parent can do in this situation. The best help you can get is support from other parents going through a similar experience. Look at our Useful Links page for support groups and our Parenting Resources page for books and articles that may be useful. It is time that helps to resolve these confusions of adolescence, we wish that society would create a neutral space for this to happen but providing that neutral space within the home and family will help. All the best for you and your daughter.
When my grandchild was born, the doctor said the genitalia were ‘underdeveloped’ but that it would be ‘easier’ to for her to be a girl. He gave my daughter some hormone cream and the labia, etc. developed. Just before his 15th birthday, he went to his parents and said he had not felt like a girl since he was about 5 years old, but did not know how to tell anyone. He has been through such trauma over this and has finally also been diagnosed with a rare connective tissue disease, Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. Without the gender misdiagnosis at his birth, we would be facing one (or a myriad!) of less stressful scenarios, not the least of which, for me, is grieving for my granddaughter and what to do with all those pictures of that beautiful little girl. Please don’t misunderstand me: I support my grandchild 100%. This is not a phase or a bandwagon he has decided to jump on. He is personally so much happier living as a male. In retrospect, I see all the passive resistance he developed in order to cope with his internal division:. wearing dresses, makeup, long hair, going to ballet classes, playing with dolls. I’m just having the hardest time with the guilt of not recognizing what we inadvertently put him through. I would be thrilled if this was just a phase instead of medical incompetence. But after four years and reaching adulthood as a man, he is who he is and much happier. I wish there was a way to go after that doctor.
Hi,
Reading these posts has given me great comfort. My daughter, now 14 has opened up about wanting to transition. She is such a girly girl and likes all things pretty and pink, so it came as quite a surprise when she raised this topic with me. She was diagnosed with the autoimmune condition type 1 diabetes three years ago, and spent a number of weeks in intensive care. Her life (and ours) has changed dramatically, and my daughter has found it incredibly difficult to cope with her diagnosis. We have seen a psychotherapist who has said that she is suffering with PTSD, and she has become very withdrawn and isolated. I am wondering whether the conversation we have had re transitioning is just a cry for help? I would really appreciate any feedback, especially with regards to getting her referred to CAMHS. Thank you.
Can you share specifically some of the questions that you asked your daughter to consider and how you presented them to her. I am in a similar situation with my daughter and I really need to know how to approach this so she can understand.